When your friends get divorced, their grief affects you too. The turmoil in their lives places a great deal of stress on your relationship.
In fact, the average divorced woman loses 40% of her friends, according to one study published in The Journal of Divorce and Remarriage.
Even if you value your connection, it sometimes seems easier to withdraw. Socializing with someone who is suddenly single can be awkward. You might also feel like you're going to be pressured to take sides.
Still, you don’t have to lose a friend just because their marriage ends. Learn how to stand by each other during this difficult time.
Supporting Your Divorced Friends
The dissolution of a marriage is one of the most stressful life events. The Holmes-Rahe Stress Inventory ranks divorce second only to the death of a spouse. Be prepared for your friend to need you more.
Use these techniques:
1. Listen to them.
Give your friend an opportunity to talk about what they’re going through. Let them vent their disappointments and fears without being judged. If you’re unsure what they need, ask them. They may want advice or just a sounding board.
2. Stay positive.
You might think that blasting their ex is one way to demonstrate your loyalty. However, too much bitterness interferes with healing. Try to take a constructive tone or at least stay neutral.
3. Curb your curiosity.
Are you eager to hear the details about love triangles and heated arguments? Let your friend decide what they’re ready to talk about and what they’re comfortable sharing.
4. Invite them out.
Hanging out with happy couples may remind your divorced friend of what they’ve lost. Try to help them stay social, even if they need some time to themselves temporarily.
5. Bring food.
When you’re struggling to find the appropriate words, you can still show you care. Be generous with food and other thoughtful gifts. Give your friend a certificate for a spa day or volunteer to babysit.
6. Have fun.
Help your friend to continue enjoying life. Join them in doing their favorite activities. Plan a weekend outing or take cooking classes together.
7. Encourage savings.
Divorce is often very expensive, especially for women. Be sensitive to any changes in your friend’s financial position. Maybe you can help them economize on housing or transportation.
8. Offer resources.
Even if you don’t have a solution, you might be able to point your friend to someone who can help. If they’re open to the idea, suggest counseling or a job coach.
9. Be patient.
A divorce can impact someone’s life for years to come. Consider this a long process and remember that many adults eventually come out of the experience with greater happiness and wisdom.
Nurturing Yourself
Remember to take care of yourself while you’re looking out for your friends. Keeping your priorities straight gives you the capacity to fulfill your responsibilities and assist others.
Consider these ideas:
1. Set limits.
Any healthy relationship needs boundaries. Be specific and speak up promptly if there's any behavior that makes you uncomfortable.
2. Discuss alternatives.
Saying no to a friend can be difficult, but you can soften the blow. If late night calls are disrupting your home life, arrange a weekend brunch where you can chat more freely.
3. Assess your marriage.
You might have seen headlines that you’re at least 75% more likely to get divorced if your friends split up. This could be a wakeup call to strengthen your own commitment.
Your relationship may require more work when a friend divorces, but the results are worth it.
You’ll be able to keep someone you care about in your life, and you may appreciate each other even more.
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Cheers, Helene Malmsio
Related Reading: How To Build Friendships - free self help online guide
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