The Value of Healthy Boundaries in All of Your Relationships

Every relationship requires boundaries. What are boundaries? Personal boundaries set limits on how others can behave in your presence and interact with you.

Certainly, your boundaries have been violated at some point in your life. Maybe a partner used language that was unacceptable toward you.

Perhaps someone invaded your privacy by asking you a personal question you considered inappropriate.

What are your boundaries? How do you show others where you draw the line? Once your lines are clear, they benefit you and those around you.

Consider these areas in determining your personal boundaries:

1. Physical boundaries.

Physical boundaries include space. There are certain people whom you feel comfortable standing much closer to than others. Your partner can stand closer to you than a friend, and a friend closer than a coworker. Maybe a coworker can stand closer than a stranger.

● Touch. There are certain people you allow to touch you, and others you do not. Some people can touch in some places, and others not so much. There are more people you’ll shake hands with than you’ll allow to touch your face or an intimate part of your body.

● Violence. Is grabbing aggressively okay? Hitting?

2. Privacy.

What are you willing to share with a particular person? Financial information? Health issues? Family issues? Your hopes and fears?

● There’s information that you’re willing to share with some people and not with others.

● There are also topics you don’t want to hear about from certain people. For example, you probably don’t want to hear about your mom’s sexual escapades or your boss’s hemorrhoids.

● Do you expect your secrets to be respected? Do you respect the secrets and privacy of others?

3. Language.

Do you allow others to curse around you? Sometimes? Who? How do you allow others to speak to you? Do you allow them to criticize you? How much disrespect do you permit? Would you allow someone to yell at you?

These are just three types of boundaries. What other boundaries can you think of?

● Punctuality. How long will you wait for someone before you feel disrespected?

● Borrowing and sharing items. Would you loan someone your lawnmower? Allow them to eat french fries off your plate? Loan them money?

● Meeting your kids. When is meeting your kids acceptable?

● Coming to your workplace. Do you allow your friends and family to come to your workplace?

● Other boundaries?

Making your boundaries clear to others:

1. Be patient and fair.

It’s not fair to expect anyone to read your mind. At the same time, you shouldn’t have to tell anyone that punching you in the face is off limits.

● You can state many of your boundaries up front. But some of your boundaries with a specific person won’t be identified until they’re crossed. Be patient. It will take time for the other person to discover all of your boundaries.

2. Be assertive when your boundaries are crossed.

When someone crosses one of your boundaries, calmly and clearly explain what you expect from them in that situation.

3. Be willing to say, “no.”

Let others know when you don’t have the interest or time to do something. It’s okay to decline offers. People respect someone who is willing to say “no” once in a while.

4. Avoid feeling guilty.

It’s rare that someone’s boundaries are too strict or are unreasonable. The opposite is usually true.

There’s no reason to feel guilty about having whatever boundaries you choose to have. Others will adapt.

5. Be honest about what you need from others.

What you need is another type of boundary. It’s the minimum you’re willing to tolerate in order to maintain the relationship. It’s a minimum boundary instead of a maximum boundary.

All relationships have boundaries, but all relationships and boundaries are unique. While some of your boundaries may apply to all relationships, other boundaries will vary greatly.

Your relationships fulfill a purpose in your life. The cost of having that purpose fulfilled is too great if it means sacrificing your boundaries in the process.

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Cheers, Helene Malmsio

Related Reading: How To Build Friendships - free self help online guide

How Judging Others Hurts You

Judging others isn’t just a diversion. It’s toxic to you and everyone around you. Judging others is similar to gossiping. It makes others think less of you.

You’ll also find that the harder you are on other people, the harder you’ll be toward yourself.

Judging others is a way of controlling your environment, but the negative repercussions make it a poor life strategy.

What do you gain by judging others?

See the consequences of judging others:

1. It’s a huge waste of time.

Judging others accomplishes nothing. You could spend that time exercising, reading, listening to music, supporting a friend, or taking a nap.

2. People don’t trust you.

If you’re informing others around you of your negative judgements, they won’t trust you in the future. They know it’s only a matter of time before you judge them, too.

Do you like to be around negative people? Do you trust them?

3. It makes you look bad.

It’s poor form to criticize others behind their back. Even if you’re complaining about the quality of someone’s lawn, it’s still being negative and unpleasant.

Well-adjusted people avoid spontaneously spouting negative opinions.

4. You open yourself up to judgement from others.

When you judge people, they feel justified in judging you, too. Interestingly, you probably wouldn’t appreciate that very much!

You’re likely to be treated in the same way you treat others.

5. Judging others negatively impacts your mood.

You don’t feel better for long after you judge someone else.

You’re acting on a negative impulse, which leads to a negative outcome and you carry that with you wherever you go.

6. You’re really just trying to protect your ego.

The primary reason for judging others is elevating yourself. It’s easier to drag someone else down than it is to put in the work to make yourself a better person.

Spend your time enhancing your life, rather than trying to bring others down.

7. Being hard on others is also being hard on yourself.

Being critical of others leads to being critical of yourself. Your brain has a hard time distinguishing between being critical of other people and being critical of yourself.

It will look for things to criticize if that’s what you teach it to do.

8. Judgement can be a form of selfishness.

We tend to dislike those that have things we want but don’t have. We want it for ourselves, and we don’t want others to have it.

This is because it shines a light on the fact that we’ve failed to attain it. Let others enjoy the rewards of their hard work.

9. You’re avoiding reality.

Many of the things you dislike in others are things that you dislike about yourself.

It’s easier to project these negative qualities out onto other people and acknowledge them at a distance. It’s a way of hiding from yourself.

Judging others hurts you more than it hurts them. It damages your standing with other people. You make enemies. You think less of yourself. And it’s all negative.

Rather than judge other people, make the necessary changes to enhance the aspects of your life that you’re dissatisfied with.

Focus on positive changes to yourself and your own life, and life will become more fulfilling for you.

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