The Dangers of Comparing Yourself to Others

Comparing yourself to others is a reliable way to reduce your confidence, motivation, and self-esteem.

It must be natural to make these types of comparisons, because nearly everyone does it. However, that doesn’t mean it’s a good move.

If you want to become the best possible you, avoid comparing yourself to others.

The Dangers

There are several challenges that occur when you compare yourself to someone else:

1. Everyone has a different starting point.

You might be just learning to play golf, but your friend has been playing for 10 years.

You might be interested in playing basketball, but you’re only 5-feet tall and your friend is 18 inches taller than you are.

◦ You can’t compare progress, results, or success unless the starting points are the same, and they never are.

2. Everyone has a different level of talent.

Some people are born with a high IQ. Some people naturally have amazing hand-eye coordination.

Others have a natural knack for music or math. Again, different starting points.

3. The resources available to you and another person are different.

If you want to play the violin and your father is a wealthy concert violinist, you have a huge advantage over someone born into a financially-challenged family that has no experience in music.

4. We tend to compare ourselves to the best in the world.

You don’t compare your Texas Hold’em skills to your neighbor the electrician. You compare yourself to the tournament winners.

We don’t compare ourselves to the average. We compare ourselves to the best the world has to offer.

5. There’s always someone better.

There are only a handful of people that can make a reasonable claim to being the best at anything.

There are nearly eight billion people in the world. That’s a lot of people you have to surpass to be the best.

It’s easy to see why making comparisons can be dangerous. There’s little to gain and too much risk.

Comparing yourself to others doesn’t provide useful information.

You’re only going to upset yourself, and that type of comparison isn’t fair in the first place.

The Solution

Here’s what you can do instead:

1. Compare yourself to yourself.

A better option is to compare yourself to yourself. Pay attention to your progress over time. Notice your improvement.

As long as you’re making headway, you have a good reason to be excited! Strive to become better each day.

2. Limit your exposure to social media.

In theory, social media exists to connect people. In actuality, social media is often used as a way of showing off.

◦ You rarely get the real story. What you get is someone’s best attempt to make their life look better than it really is. Everyone, except you, seems to be living a spectacular life. It’s not true.

◦ Be cautious with social media. Most people report being happier when they removed social media from their lives.

3. Use the success of others as inspiration.

The success of others can be useful to you. You can study how they became so successful.

Their success can inspire you to become the best you can be. Just avoid comparing your success to theirs.

Do you compare yourself to others? Making this type of comparison can be detrimental to your confidence and self-esteem.

Instead, compare your current version of yourself to the version of yourself from three months ago. That’s a fair comparison to make.

It becomes easy to see your progress or lack of progress.

The best comparison you can make is to your past self. Set a few goals and spend some time each day working on those goals.

You’ll be happy when you see the progress you’ve made.

Say Goodbye to Your Controlling Behavior for Good

Is your controlling behavior sabotaging your relationships? Maybe your partner tells you that they need more space or want to do things their own way.

Maybe you recognize your own tendencies and feel guilty about snooping around their Facebook page.

When taken too far, controlling relationships can lead to domestic violence.

Even if your actions are much less extreme, you may still be reinforcing your insecurities and losing opportunities for friendship and love.

If you’re willing to change, you can develop healthier ways to interact. Learn how to become more cooperative and less controlling.

Steps to Take with Yourself:

1. Consider therapy.

The need to control your environment often begins in childhood with parents who may have been demanding or unreliable.

Counseling can provide the help you need to change such long-standing habits.

2. Manage anxiety.

Trying to dominate others is usually a sign of insecurity.

Learning to recognize and soothe your own anxieties will make it easier to be vulnerable and treat others as equals.

3. Build your confidence.

At the same time, you can work on developing a more valid sense of self-esteem and confidence.

Remember your strengths and achievements. Practice asserting yourself without putting others down.

4. Widen your circle.

Do you want your partner to spend time with you instead of their family and friends?

You’ll both be happier if you maintain other connections. Different relationships help meet different needs.

5. Spend time alone.

Becoming comfortable with solitude can also help you to feel less dependent on others.

Plan activities you can enjoy solo such as meditation or visiting an art museum.

6. Assess your career.

While controlling behavior may drive you to reach your goals at work, it could also limit your job satisfaction.

Do you feel comfortable taking risks so you can learn and grow? Do you have office buddies to share lunch and laughs with?

Steps to Take with Your Partner:

1. Negotiate more.

Romances may end quickly if you’re used to giving orders and arguing until your partner gives in.

Experiment with a more collaborative approach. Take turns making decisions. Search for compromises that will satisfy you both.

2. Recognize manipulation.

Making your partner feel guilty for disagreeing with you is also likely to drive them away.

Be honest with yourself about your intentions and ask for what you need directly.

3. Stop keeping score.

Can you do a favor for someone without first tallying up what they’ve done for you lately?

You’ll find that giving is more rewarding if you forget about the balance sheet.

4. Respect privacy.

It may be tempting to look through your partner’s phone and social media accounts if you find it difficult to trust.

However, they deserve their privacy and exercising restraint may help you relax too.

5. Think positive.

Criticizing others can be a way to feel superior. Before you say something harsh to your partner, ask yourself if it’s truthful and constructive.

Be sure to tell them what you like about them too.

6. Keep an open mind.

Close connections depend on being able to listen to each other and respect different points of view.

You’ll be less likely to belittle your partner for their beliefs if you feel secure about yourself and your relationship.

Turn your life around by finding the support you need to give up your controlling behavior and form connections based on trust and respect.

You’ll enjoy greater peace of mind, and your relationships will be more stable and fulfilling.

Need a Hero? Make Your Future Self Your Hero

Maybe your hero is LeBron James or Albert Einstein. Those might be worthwhile heroes. However, it would be even better to become your own hero. Your life is your story, and every story needs a hero.

By defining the hero of your story, you have a chance to become that hero. And it's important for you to define the hero of your story, because the hero of each story is different.

The hero of your story won't be the same as the hero of someone else's story.

A few ground rules:

• Your hero has to start where you are. You have a particular starting point and resources available to you. Your hero has to begin from your starting point.

• You have to set a time limit on when you'll become your hero. Your hero doesn’t have 100 years to work with. You also need a deadline to work with.

A good deadline is 5 to 10 years from now. At that point, you can reevaluate and create a new hero from your new starting point.

• Avoid the tendency to limit yourself. You can accomplish a whole lot in 5-10 years. You’re a hero, after all.

Become your own hero:

1. Define your hero’s accomplishments.

What has your hero accomplished? From this moment in time, until your deadline, what will your hero achieve?

Once you're satisfied with your list, ask yourself how you could make it even better. Remember to work within the time frame you've given yourself.

2. Define your hero’s attributes.

What qualities does your hero have? What attributes would they have to possess in order to accomplish everything they’ve accomplished? What qualities in a person do you most admire and respect?

3. Define your hero’s life.

How does your hero live his life? How does he spend his day? Who is in his life?

What types of things is he involved with? Where does he live? What time does he get out of bed? What does he eat for lunch? What is important to him?

Related Reading: Comprehensive Self development online guide

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