Say No and Still Be Friends

Many of us have a hard time saying no to friends. Who doesn't want to help a friend who asks for your help? Unfortunately, there are times you simply need to say no when a friend seeks your assistance.

Perhaps you're way too busy or maybe your friend is asking you to do something that you're uncomfortable doing.

It can be awkward to say no to a friend. No one wants to risk a friendship. You might be surprised to find out that it's not that hard to say no and still be friends.

Follow these principles and you can say no without damaging your friendship:

1. Make certain you didn't misunderstand.

Misunderstandings are common. Maybe you didn't hear what you thought you heard. Get clarification before you say yes or no.

* Maybe you'll be able to say yes, if you first seek to understand.

2. Separate the issue from those involved.

Once you've gotten clear on the issue and determined that you're not getting involved, remember that you're still friends. Being friends is separate from the issue at hand.

* Ensure they understand that it's the issue or your own situation that's preventing you from saying yes, not them.

3. Keep the focus on yourself, not your friend.

It doesn't go over well if you say something like, "I can't lend you money because everyone knows you'll never pay it back."

* Let them know that you care, but explain why you can't help. It's important that they understand why you're saying no.

* For example, you could explain that you have a policy of never loaning money because it has ruined friendships in the past.

4. Be firm and clear in your "no."

Many of us give weak, wishy-washy answers that give the other person hope that we might change our minds. Avoid giving false hope and just give a clear "no."

* A clear "no" ends the issue quickly. It's like pulling off a Band-Aid with one quick pull.

5. What is the underlying need?

If you can determine what he really needs, you can help your friend come up with another solution.

* Sometimes, a person in need doesn't have the capacity to find more elegant solutions.

You could be of great assistance by taking the time to brainstorm and look for other alternatives in which you aren't involved.

6. Find another way to help them.

Maybe you could help with the current issue in some smaller capacity. Offer other suggestions.

* Maybe they have another need where you would be happy to provide help and support.

* One of the keys to keeping the friendship is to ensure they walk away with something from you, even if it's only advice and empathy.

* If they feel worse than they did before they approached you, the friendship is likely to be strained.

* How we feel about others is largely dependent on how they make us feel. Do what you can to make your friend feel better without compromising your limits.

It's never easy to say no to a friend. But sometimes saying no is the only way to maintain a friendship.

If helping your friend comes at too great a cost, you'll end up feeling resentful, which can kill the relationship altogether.

Take care of yourself and say no when it's appropriate. Be supportive of your friends and try to help in other ways if you can't acquiesce to their request.

If you can show that you're empathetic and offer help in another way, your friendship should remain strong.

It can be an awkward situation, but sometimes saying no is the best option.

Dealing With Needy Friends Made Easy

Maybe you have a friend you love, but it feels like they demand too much.

Learn to be supportive of your friends without jeopardizing your own peace of mind.

Consider taking these steps with yourself and with your friend, so you can build a healthier and happier relationship.

Steps to Take for Yourself

1. Develop compassion.

It's difficult for people to admit they're clingy because of the social stigma.

In some cases, dependency can be traced back to experiences involving abandonment during childhood.

Remember that your friend may be hurting and having difficulty learning other ways to communicate.

2. Monitor your mood.

Depression and anxiety are highly contagious.

If listening to a friend's troubles darkens your outlook, you may need to take a walk around the block or read an inspirational book to lift your spirits.

3. Hold your ground.

In some cases, your friend may feel entitled to your attention. They may even become angry or manipulative if they're unable to get it.

Sticking to reasonable boundaries is a caring and respectful response.

4. Seek reciprocity.

Relationships work best when both parties are willing to give and take, even though the balance may fluctuate over time.

However, you may decide to continue a relationship that seems uneven if it causes you no distress.

5. Check your own tendencies.

You may be irritated with someone because they remind you of qualities within yourself that make you uncomfortable.

Ask yourself if you show any signs of being too self-absorbed. How often do you initiate conversations about topics unrelated to yourself?

Steps to Take With Your Friend

1. Set limits.

Let your friend know the boundaries you require to feel comfortable. You may decide that you can take only one call a day, barring any emergencies.

Maybe you're unavailable during work hours and dinner time.

2. Pace your responses.

Immediate replies can reinforce a sense of false urgency.

Unless the situation requires an ambulance, you may want to answer your friend's texts and calls according to when it fits into your schedule.

3. Focus on solutions.

Once you validate your friend's emotions, it may be time to stop commiserating. Support them in taking positive action.

If they're low on funds, discuss whether they want to ask their boss for a raise or look for a second job.

4. Clarify issues.

Needy people are often desperate for immediate relief, but they're confused about how to get it.

The best way to help may be skillful listening that enables them to refine their plans.

Talking things over may help your friend to see that they're satisfied with their marriage, but would like a night out each week.

5. Praise positive behavior.

Look for signs of progress and reward them. Congratulate your friend when they join a running club where they can meet people instead of staying home and complaining that they're lonely.

6. Enlist others.

Encourage your friend to talk with others, especially if they tend to rely on you alone.

Tell them how they would benefit from a wider range of viewpoints and some expertise you may lack. Introduce them to others in your network.

7. Suggest therapy.

If you believe that your friend needs professional help, consider approaching them directly or reaching out to someone else they trust.

A parent, spouse, or minister may be able to guide them.

8. Be direct.

Discuss your concerns before you become angry or exhausted.

Prompt communication makes it much easier to be tactful. You may even save your friendship using this strategy.

Challenging relationships can be a balancing act. Have compassion for yourself and your friends as you work on being there for each other without taking advantage or getting burned out.

Did you find this post fun, informative and useful? If so, please share it with others!

If you have a comment, question or suggestion, please leave a comment below!

Cheers, Helene Malmsio


Related Reading: How To Build Friendships That Last

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