How to Communicate Your Feelings and Wants Without Being Manipulative

Everyone can be a little manipulative from time to time, but it can be a serious challenge when it’s your default way of getting what you want. Others eventually catch on to what you’re doing, and it’s not an attractive way to live your life.

It’s much more effective to learn how to ask for what you want simply and directly. Manipulating others can work in the short-term, but it’s a poor long-term strategy.

There are several common traits manipulative people often share:

1. They lack boundaries. Manipulative people lack awareness of commonly accepted boundaries. They’ll go anywhere, say anything, and do anything to get what they want.

◦ Interestingly, it’s been documented that manipulators frequently lack physical boundaries, too. They often stand too close for comfort.

2. They lack insight. Manipulators often lack self-awareness. They never really look at their own behavior and question how they engage others in the world. Emotionally healthy people are aware of how they behave and view the world. Manipulators lack this trait.

3. They play the victim. Everyone else is to blame. They don’t want to take responsibility for their actions, but they want everyone else to take responsibility for theirs.

4. They rely on half-truths. You couldn’t successfully prosecute them in a court of law, because they’re very careful. You’ll get the half of the story that helps their cause, but they’ll conveniently leave out the half that changes the context.

5. They use guilt as a weapon. Manipulative people often rely on guilt to get their way. Rather than ask for what they want directly, they’ll rely on guilt to motivate you to do their bidding.

Understanding these traits will make it easier to recognize them in yourself and others. If you have any of these qualities, it will be more challenging to have healthy relationships.

Get what you need without resorting to manipulation:

1. Avoid passive-aggressive behavior. People that fail to communicate their needs are often sneaky about finding ways to get their needs met. Rather than explain what they need directly to others, they find passive-aggressive ways to get what they want. Have the courage to just ask or explain.

2. Honesty is the best policy. You don’t need to invent situations or alternative facts to communicate directly. Own your feelings and your happiness and speak your truth. It’s easier on everyone in your life, including you.

3. Avoid blaming. Blaming others rarely has a positive effect, regardless of the situation. They’re your feelings and your needs, so it’s your responsibility to take responsibility. Other people are too busy to actively seek out and understand your needs and feelings. It’s up to you.

4. Look for mutual solutions. When someone is manipulative, they’re putting themselves first. This doesn’t work well in any relationship. One way to avoid being manipulative is to find solutions that benefit both parties.

5. Remember your partner’s needs, too. You’re not the only one with needs. If you can remember that other people, including your partner, have needs, too, you’ll be less likely to resort to manipulation.

If you’re manipulative, understand that it’s not necessary. If the only way to get your needs met is to manipulate others, you’re not hanging around with the right crowd.

Work on yourself to remove any manipulative tendencies you might have. This might even require seeking professional help, especially if you grew up being manipulative. Your life will be much more comfortable and satisfying.

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How to Learn a New Skill Quickly

Unless you’re happy enough with yourself to stay the same for the rest of your life, you’re going to have to learn a few new skills along the way. As with anything else, some methods of learning are better than others.

Skills take time to develop, so it’s important to use your time as wisely as possible.

Follow these steps to learn new skills quickly and easily:

1. Do it daily. Every day you don’t spend developing your new skill is a lost day. There’s a limit to how much anyone can learn in a day. That’s true whether it’s a motor skill or something more knowledge-based. Spend at least a few minutes each day developing your new skill. Make the most of each day.

2. Set a goal. Goals provide a target and a direction. They also include a deadline. With a goal, you have a specific purpose and a set amount of time to accomplish it. Without a goal you’re largely drifting in the wind. Set a goal and focus.

3. Get expert help. Having a coach is a great way to master a skill quickly. You can never be certain you’re on the right track when you try to do everything yourself. A good coach can spot errors quickly and provide effective solutions. The time and money spent to find a great coach is well-spent.

◦ With the technology available today, it’s often possible to find a remote coach. You might be able to find a better and less expensive coach than you can find locally.

4. Evaluate your progress. Find a way to measure your progress. You can’t know if your development is on track if you don’t know where you stand. This is another area where a coach can be useful. All you have to do is ask.

◦ If your progress seems to be behind schedule, it might be worth changing your approach.

5. Fix your errors. As you’re learning something new, it’s important to identify and fix your errors before they become habits.



6. Immerse yourself. Sticking with our piano theme, you would quicken your progress by immersing yourself in piano. One way to do this is to listen to piano music while driving. Especially, listen to piano music you hope to play one day. Listen to great jazz, classical, and contemporary pianists.

7. Spend your time wisely. You only have so much time to commit to your new skill. It only makes sense to spend time on the most important things. Again, a coach is the ideal person to assess what is most important, but you can do a little research on your own.



8. Visualize expertise. Use your spare time to visualize performing your new skill perfectly. We all have numerous times each day with a minute or two to spare. Waiting in line, waiting in traffic, taking a shower, taking a short break, and during TV commercials are just a few examples of good times to visualize.

Which skills would you like to master? In what order will you learn them? Value your time and learn new skills in the most efficient way possible. If at all possible, find a coach with the expertise to guide your development. Enjoy your new skill!





Related Reading: Comprehensive Self development online guide

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